What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:45
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was seconnd youngest,
Why do I feel like I want to suck a big dick after injecting meth?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im still living with it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i lived it daily.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What was your most embarrassing and humiliating bare bottom spanking?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do some men like older women?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She loved him until the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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We were not on the streets..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it wasn’t much.
I was 9 years of age.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was very sick at this time too.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Comes on , in middle age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Put me off passion for life!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He knew the spot.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But, we were locked up after school.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is how, and why children get BPD.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I will be 64.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
All the time i was locked up.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
I said to her
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Would this be the day?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I waited trembling.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is soul school!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She wouldn,t have been !
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..